She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
