I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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