i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
