And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
