I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
