So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I supernannyed him into submission
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize