I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
