sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
