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so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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