if you like me you must not know who I am
actually, I'm a sock model
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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