Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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