i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
