Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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