I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
