I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
