I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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