someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a hot homeless man
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Randomize
