Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
