My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
