Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
