at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Someone came in the potted fern
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
