They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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