We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
