Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Randomize
