just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
