I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
