Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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