Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
