Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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