I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
