Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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