ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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