I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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