Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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