According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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