Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
