Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
