She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
