I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
