I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she peed on how many people?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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