I just pynch a tree in the face
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
