On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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