just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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