My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize