someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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