apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
she smelled like a LAN party
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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