his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
