Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
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