Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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