i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
