No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
