i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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