i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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