the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
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