my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
