Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize