you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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