God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
