I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
