Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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