final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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